I’m learning a new language. Irish Gaelic. Yes, Irish Gaelic is slightly different from Scottish or Welsh. To help me learn, My Ard Ri’ (high king) is helping me. I lean against the door and stick my ass out. I count out each mark. If I make mistake, he, a fluent speaker, corrects me, I repeat it, and we go back to the beginning.

• 1 = a haon (ah hain)
• 2 = a dó (ah dough)
• 3 = a trí (ah tree)
• 4 = a ceathair (ah cah-her)
• 5 = a cúig (ah coo-ig)
• 6 = a sé (ah shay)
• 7 = a seacht (ah shocked)
• 8 = a hocht (ah huck-t)
• 9 = a naoi (ah nay)
• 10 = a deich (ah deh)

My first inclination was to do this every day until I spoke the numbers flawlessly. However, after how my ass felt that first day after 20 kisses of the cane, Ard Ri’ decided I needed a resting period, so we waited and practiced. Five days later He decided I was ready to be tested again. The marks, this time, would be directed onto my upper thighs. Luckily, He used a light hand. This time, fifteen kisses.  Five days later, another test. My ass was perfectly healed by this time, so that’s where the “tester” was placed. At first, Ard Ri’ was using a VERY light hand, so much so that I had to ask him if he thought I was made of blown glass.  So, after the forth lash, he actually put effort into the lesson.

I’m pleased to say, that I passed! Only ten strokes!! Trust me when I say, Ard Ri’ and I both enjoyed a celebratory evening.