I can’t believe I wrote this NINE YEARS AGO! Since beginning on this journey of writing BDSM erotic fiction and a bit of nonfiction, I’ve learned so much. The world has changed in many ways. We are now post Pandemic, although Covid certainly still exists and is still a danger. One of my favorite authors, Harper Lee, passed away at the age of 89. The first woman was nominated to run as the Presidential candidate. The Me Too movement was a year away from gaining momentum. Much has changed.
Yet, much has stayed the same. Women are still judged harshly for their appearance, what they wear, who they sleep with. If a woman admits to being a submissive, she is often shamed for it. I hate this. I hate that other women will proclaim from the rooftops that women have the right to choice (something I FERVENTLY believe in!). Yet, when a woman states that she CHOOSES (key word there) to be submissive to her partner, she is labeled as any of the following: victim, rug, traitor, weak.
In a true BDSM, TPE, D/s relationship, the submissive chooses his or her role. (I’m going to use the pronoun ‘she’ for simplicity sake, but OBVIOUSLY, a submissive can be either male, female, or non-binary.) If she is FORCED into that role, we’re talking about something else, not BDSM, TPE, or D/s. In truth, the submissive holds most of the power. The power to say NO. The safeword is sacred and always respected. Think of it this way. The CEO goes to president of the board with new ideas. Who can put the brakes on? Yep. The president. A submissive holds a similar role.
With all of this in mind, I’m going to update my post from 9 years ago.
- 2016 – Are you strong? Not physically, but emotionally? Are you strong enough to put another person’s needs before your own? To relinquish your power – all except the power to use your safeword?
2025 – Are you emotionally and physically strong enough to evaluate what you want and need? want is safe for you and your partner? To use your safeword whenever you feel uncomfortable?
2. 2016 – Do you take direction well? A large part of being a submissive is obedience.
2025 – Do you crave the freedom of having to make only one decision – yes or no? Can you accept direction from a person whom you trust?
3. 2016 – Can you accept punishment? For those times why you disobey either intentionally or unintentionally, there will be consequences. You must be willing to accept these consequences humbly, willingly, and gracefully.
2025 – Can you accept the afore defined consequences of your actions whether those actions are intentional or mistakes? Can you learn from your mistakes without harboring resentment?
4. 2016 – Are you patient? Another large part of being submissive to another is to wait. Wait for that person’s pleasure, his/her decisions, his/her commands, his/her praise.
2025 – Can you put your own pleasure on hold in anticipation of your long term satisfaction?
5. 2016 – Are you intelligent? Seriously, I know this sounds rude, but honestly, a good submissive must be able to think for her/himself with the best interest of both partners in mind. Dominant are not perfect. No one is. They often need as much guidance as the submissive does, just in a different way.
2025 – Are confident in your own ability to think rationally? Can you forgive mistakes that both you and your dominant will make? Can you talk through these mistakes logically and with an open mind so that you can both learn and grow?
6. 2016 – Can you communicate well? This, dear ones, is key. Your dominant simply must know what you think, what you feel, what you need, what you want, what fears lie inside of you, what dreams lie there as well. He/She is not a mind reader. If He/She can’t give you these things if you don’t communicate them clearly.
2025 – Are you aware enough of your own body and mind to clearly communicate your needs and desires? No dominant will be able to read your mind. You MUST be able to talk to your dominant so that you will each know each other’s expectations.
If you can answer these questions, you may well be on the path to being a submissive.
Enjoy!
Anarie Brady 